I am fairly certain being pregnant with twins ruined me from ever wanting to be pregnant again. I only ever wanted two children, so I am so, so very happy that we have our darling angels, but sometimes I wonder what it would be like to have a \”normal\” pregnancy. Jeff would be totally happy if we were to get pregnant again. Me, not so much. Of course I would have Gestational Diabetes again….the upside to that is I wouldn\’t gain a ton of weight. Being pregnant with twins was hard. Much, much harder than I imagined it would be. Getting so big so fast, getting GB, being so worried all of the time, so tired, so sore, so everything. Everything about it was just over the top. I did enjoy the beginning and middle up until about 28 weeks when I was just miserable. Being on bedrest for 12 weeks didn\’t help matters either I\’m sure. Sometimes I feel like I missed out on that pregnancy glow…being able to enjoy it without the worry.  I wonder what it would be like to only go to the doctor once or twice a month instead of 3x a week. I wonder what it would be like to feel one baby moving instead of always wondering who it was moving. I wonder what it would be like after the baby was born. I know being pregnant again would be so very different, but I am just too tainted to ever want it again.

My bonding experience with my babies was so different from what I imagined it would be. I think every mom-to-be has visions of popping the baby out and instantly falling head over heels in love. While I did love my babies dearly, the falling head over heels didn\’t happen right away. I didn\’t get to see them until 8 hours after they were delivered. I didn\’t get to hold them until 5 days after they were born. That was really hard. They were in isolettes surrounded by monitors that were constantly beeping. I didn\’t have the chance to breastfeed. I didn\’t have the chance to cuddle them. We didn\’t get to bring them home for 16 and 21 days and leaving them at the hospital each day was the hardest thing I\’ve ever had to do. Learning two babies at once is so different than being able to devote all of your time and energy to just one. You can\’t sit and cuddle them for hours on end because it seems like they both always need you at the same time. I never, ever want to go through that again and while I know being pregnant with one baby wouldn\’t be as hard and the baby probably wouldn\’t end up in the NICU - you just never know. I feel so lucky and blessed to have two healthy, happy, perfect babies that even though I wonder what another would be like I\’m perfectly happy with things as they are.

Life is really, really good.

 Three weeks old